So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
