well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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