why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
