I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
