he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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