seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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