My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
