My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
