Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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