What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
