I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
