Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
