Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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