well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
