Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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