why didn't you poke me back
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
