apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
