I can tuck mytits in my pants
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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