Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize