respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
