My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
