Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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