Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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