Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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