you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
