fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
