We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
