she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Semen is not good for contacts.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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