Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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