when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
