Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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