I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize