I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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