After last night, I could never be a politician.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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