ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize