good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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