Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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