i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
