He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
