I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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