I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
