he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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