Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
