dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
