guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
