if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
