he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And then my night got REAL pukey
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