I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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