For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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