...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think I won the penis lottery.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
