I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
