I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
