You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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