Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
