I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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