New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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