tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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