the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
