I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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