It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
