ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
